Are You a Failure? Y/N

The thing about cults and cult-like systems is that, for the most part, they’re really boring.

Most of the indoctrination takes place day by day, through sermons that carefully redefine Scripture, through lectures that reinforce the group’s beliefs, and through long, dull sessions of filling in blanks and regurgitating the right answers.

The question-and-answer exercises are very simplistic, and all designed to condition you to doubt yourself and feel like a failure. You learn to look to your leader for answers, and you’re afraid to leave the group because you know you’ll crash and burn on your own.

A friend from my own Fellowship* recently shared a snapshot of a worksheet we had to fill out as students in the early 90s. As 14 – 18 year olds, we were separated from our parents at weeks-long conferences, awakened early and kept up late, and bombarded all day with lectures and conditioned group responses. Somewhere in the middle of this exhausting, bewildering, and exhilarating experience, they dropped things like this in our laps:

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1. Do you get up early in the morning?

2. Do you get out of bed when you wake up?

3. Are you an “energy-giver” when you get up?

4. Do you decide the night before what to wear the next day?

5. Do you consistently honor a day of rest?

6. Do you make your bed as soon as you get up?

7. Do you have everything in its rightful place?

8. Do you keep your room neat?

9. Are you consistent in your daily Bible reading?

10. Do you have a regular prayer time?

11. Do you regularly memorize Scripture?

12. Do you always wash your hands before meals?

13. Do you practice proper etiquette?

14. Do you sit near the front during a meeting?

15. Do you stand up for your elders?

16. Do you take notes during messages?

17. Do you know how to detect the five types of fools?

18. Do your parents approve of all your friends?

19. Do you fulfill all the promises you make?

20. Do you put yourself to sleep with meditation on Scripture?

*

An outsider could glance over it and say, “Well, there are a lot of great ideas here. Except what does washing your hands have  to do with self-motivation? Just take what’s good and leave the rest.”

An insider knew much better than that.  “No” is not an acceptable answer to any of these questions. Notice that”Sometimes” isn’t even an option. We couldn’t take-and-leave. This wasn’t a mere list of ideas. This was a test, and we were set up to fail it.

Unless you’re educated in the culture that it comes from, you probably still miss how loaded some of these questions are. I could spend a dozen blog posts unpacking these questions.

For instance, “Do you get up early in the morning?” Early rising was a mark of Godliness; sleeping late was, therefore, sinful. The next question, “Do you get out of bed when you wake up?” reinforces the idea that staying in bed is a sign of slothfulness. And there was an entire booklet about the dangers of being slothful. So if you answered “no” to questions 1 & 2, you’re already spiritually defective.

Or how about #14? Sitting in the back of a meeting demonstrated apathy (a sin) or rebelliousness (a major sin).

In order to answer #17, you had to remember the extensivelesson on the Five Types of Fools; so that question actually covered an entirely separate session in itself.

Question #18 weighed about a ton. Your parents had the power of God’s disapproval in your life. If they didn’t like a friend of yours, no matter the reason, the only obedient course of action was to get rid of that friend. Also, “friend” here could stand for “friend of the opposite sex” — someone you liked despite the fact that God expected you to keep your emotions pure until He brought you the one you were to marry. It was a reminder that even your emotions were subject to God/your parents.

The entire list, by the way, is pretty easy to master if you happen to be someone exactly like the Venerated Leader who wrote it — a man who didn’t need much sleep, was an extrovert, found memorization easy, didn’t have any real friends, wore basically the same thing every day, and spent thirty years sexually harassing young women that he invited to work for him. Oh, wait, he forgot to add that item, didn’t he?

Twenty years later, when many of us saw the picture of this list, we felt that same oppression we’d lived under as teenagers. “No wonder,” we said. “No wonder I always felt like a failure. No wonder I worked myself into chronic fatigue. No wonder I broke down at age 20.” This list was just one of many others like it. This was how we knew to please God.

This was our spiritual life, one in which choosing your clothes the night before is just as important as keeping the Sabbath (one of the Ten Commandments). No room for mistakes or personality. Just keep your head down, obey, and pretend you aren’t the complete failure you know you are.

And for the record, I have no idea how washing your hands before every meal made it on this list. That’s stupid.

If you need me, I’ll be lying in bed in my comfortably cluttered room, with no memory of the five types of fools, and resting in the grace of God.

*Bill Gothard, IBLP/ATI

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12 thoughts on “Are You a Failure? Y/N

  1. It’s interesting: I didn’t grow up in that religious culture, and I’m glad I didn’t, but I still internalized these standards and struggle with thinking/believing I’m a failure. And im writing from MY bed in my comfortably cluttered room, with no KNOWLEDGE of the 5 types of fools, resting in the grace of God.

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    • I think we’re all vulnerable to thinking ourselves failures. I already thought of myself that way before I encountered this Venerated Teacher. He certainty reinforced the concept.

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  2. Well, I wash my hands sometimes.
    Otherwise I’m a failure.
    I love “If you need me, I’ll be lying in bed in my comfortably cluttered room, with no memory of the five types of fools, and resting in the grace of God.”
    That is the perfect ending to that worksheet..

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  3. I love your blogs! Very funny (love your sense of humor) but also very healing to my heart. I’m very familiar with your former group, although was not homeschooled in it but married into it and have battled feelings of failure for years. Your thoughts bring grace and hope to me. Thank you!

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    • Thank you for saying so! Laughing at the craziness was good therapy for me for a while. But it’s also good to talk with others and untangle things as much as we can. Thanks for joining the conversation.

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  4. Hmmm….. I scored a 2.5. #4 & #5. I try to follow proper etiquette (#13) but sometimes I just don’t care enough to try, so I gave myself a half point.

    Anyone beat my score with a 2 or 1 or 0? (You have to be honest – no cheating just to get a lower score than I did!!)

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    • I score a 1, conditionally a 2. I use good etiquette. I do honor a day of rest — but not by going to church, as that’s part of my recovery.

      No, I don’t wash my hands before every meal because half the time they’re already clean or I’m in the middle of something else.

      The fact that I bomb this evaluation has little to do with my godliness, and lots to do with my personality. 🙂

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  5. As soon as I saw the test I knew it was an IBLP test! That font haunts me. I remember that test and so many like it. I also married into “normal” and every now and then my husband will catch “ATI brain” happening. For example, he asked me why I never got the mail. I told him because I’m the woman and that would be usurping his authority. I didn’t believe that anymore, but it’s the answer that had been drilled into my head. I’m so glad you are also an Xer and you escaped as well! Keep writing!

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