Group Name: Novel Strategy Chat

Members: Author, Protagonist, Love Interest, SubVillain

Author: Okay, welcome to this Group Chat. As we are all aware, the Second Draft of The Novel has been a pretty intense process. Thank you for your hard work. I only had to threaten explosions once to get people to cooperate, haha!

Protagonist: Explosions?

Author: Anyway, in this next section, the Protagonist faces strong opposition. I’m attaching several suggested courses of actions. Please consult your part and prepare accordingly. Let’s get this knocked out by Thanksgiving!

SubVillain: It says here that I leave an anonymous message. How do I do that? If I call her work phone, my name will show up. I can’t call her cell phone because how would I get her number — and callerID again.

Protagonist: I definitely would not give him my number.

Author: Dang.

Author: Dang cell phones.

Author: Cell phones ruin everything. Do you know how much easier it was to create mystery before caller ID?

Author: And it was simple to find a phone number, just look it up. Then you called the one line in the household, talked to somebody else in the family, and had them write down a “message from an unknown person.”

Author: Nowdays, you’ve got to create an entire subplot just for one anonymous message. Cell phones make everything harder.

Protagonist: Hey, 1991 called. It misses you.

Love Interest: Well, we think it’s 1991. Don’t have caller ID yet.

Protagonist: *high five*

SubVillain: lol

Author: Okay. So what if the call seems to come from someone the Protagonist trusts? I’m thinking from Love Interest. The villain has stolen his phone and used it to message Protagonist.

Love Interest: He got past my screen lock? He’s not that smart.

Author: Maybe you don’t lock your phone.

Love Interest: Everything you’ve written about me suggests that I am a private, skeptical person. Why would I not lock my phone?

Author: Ugh. Stupid cell phones!

Protagonist: ok genXer

SubVillain: Wait, where would I get his phone? It’s not like we hang out. And I don’t go digging in his pocket, do I?

Love Interest: If so, I quit.

Author: There is no pocket digging. Focus, please! Look, I was reading this women’s fiction thing recently. When the hero crashed into a tree, emergency personnel called the mayor about it

Protagonist: The mayor? Why the mayor?!

Author: and the mayor’s sister was the hero’s love interest so

Author: The heroine needed to know about it. This was the easiest way.

Love Interest: That whole scenario makes as much sense as that explosion you threatened me with.

Protagonist: Oh, it was you.

Love Interest: Yeah, it was either express my feelings for you, or BOOM

Protagonist: I thought things really picked up between us in this draft.

Author: People! Focus! The point is that the information transfer was successful. That’s what I’m going for here. We need this to happen. So what we’ll do

Protagonist: Let me guess. I jot my number on a piece of paper and carelessly leave it in view.

Love Interest: Or you’re going to have me take out my phone and carelessly leave it on a table, aren’t you?

SubVillain: And I’m going to happen to be around and find either the paper or the phone, and come up with an elaborate plan on the spot, right?

Love Interest: You aren’t that smart.

SubVillain: I know, right?!

Author: Okay. OKAY. Anybody got any better ideas?

SubVillain …

Love Interest …

Protagonist: Well, not really. That’s your job, isn’t it? We’re just here to follow orders!

Author has left the group.